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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 15, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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>> chris: it's 10:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on youtube today. presidential hopeful and scoliosis-american bernie sanders pitched his radical socialist agenda to a group of 12,000 religious students at liberty university last night, here he is conducting an orchestra of the dead. ( laughter ) he showed he was down with the kids by doing what any politician with a thick brooklyn accent who looks like jewish geppetto would do: quoting scripture. >> "but let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never failing stream." >> chris: jesus christ, also says to love one another.
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he sounds about as natural as rick santorum quoting fetty wap lyrics. this charmingly awkward change reminded us of this photo from a reddit ama bernie did a while back. there he is. in front of a map showing which the world was flat. the reddit subgroup r/photoshopbattles went to town on that visual of bernie, hunched over a desktop computer looking like gargamel's dad, but this one, from user kinjinsan was our favorite. ( laughter ) you know what, we've been giving him crap which is silly. we get it, he's older. whatever. it is no big deal, we're just teasing. i personally believe bernie is more savvy than most of the candidates out there. this is my challenge to you, mr. bernie sanders. why don't you come on "@midnight" and show all the haters how hip you are?
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that is "@midnight" at 11:00. i know that's late. but comedians, until he does, based on these photos, give me a question bernie might ask his tech support team. nick swardson let me start with you. >> why are there two girls? it should be one girl and one-- >> i'm trying to make this weekend at bernie sanders meme but i can't photo shop my sun glasses on right. >> chris: nikki glazer, go. >> computer, how do i get an invite to this so-called lemon party? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: bernie, don't google, that whatever you do. >> don't do it! >> chris: never google that. it's time to start dead mi.
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>> chris: lemon party! in my day, we called that liberty camping! >> i didn't even know what it was. she just told me. >> chris: you don't know what lemon party is? >> now i do. >> it's so good. >> i don't know if "good" is the right word. >> you're having a blast-- yes, you are. tonight's comedians are, from hel and back october 2, mr. nick swardson. performing at offensively delicious, a craft beer comedy show at the oriental theater in denver, the voice of comedy central, kyle kinane. performing at the improv in washington, d.c., october 15-18, nikki glazer. ( cheers and applause )
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nuk, who is super rad and cool and got her own show picked up which will be appearing on comedy central next year so, congratulations. ( applause ) ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." the philadelphia eagles lost to the falcons last night, leaving a lot of angry birds. my only way into sports. confused, angry philadelphians-- flocked to church, our favorite theory is that they lost because the team was just really confused by this play call. >> what is that? >> chris: i don't know what that is. comedians, can you please tell
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me what play this coach is actually calling for? kyle kinane. >> listen, if you can't tackle him, tryx to tickle him or suck his ( bleep ). ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: first of all, points. and second of ail, isn't that really the subtext of what's going on in football, anyway? >> element of surprise. >> chris: i can't tickle you or ( bleep ) so i'm going to knock you down and take the ball. >> how do you do it? it's like that thing where you're patting your head-- like, you can't do both. ( laughter ). >> chris: i can't pick my armpit and give a blow job at the same time. i'm not that coordinated. by the way, you looked so joyless right now doing that. >> i'm having a blast! >> chris: i'm sucking ( bleep ) but i'm judging you. >> it's a banana party with monkeys. >> he just said it's a banana
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party with monkey glz by the way, million times better than lemon party. >> i'm going to find out for myself during the commercial break. glu know what let's do? let's do this. on the first commercial break i want you to go backstage and you're going to watch lemon party and you're going to come back and tell us how your life is forever altered. >> you put a point value on me doing that. >> chris: i with. >> it's safe to say america's police force is having a ( bleep ) this year. >> it is it waterless urinals in, tesla police cruisers, fair trade coffee and gluten-free donuts? nick. >> "b," all-electric tesla police cruisers? >> chris: as a matter of fact system all-electric tesla police
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cruisers. ( applause ) the new protocol for high-speed chases will be to try to convince the perp to pull over at a whole foods so they can spend an hour and a half at the charging station. if this does signal a more, environmentally friendly lapb, what should be next >> i think to you can down on bullets they should only shoot people who actually deserve it. >> chris: points. ( applause ) kyle kinane. >> because we all know that's not going to happen. ( laughter ) when they accidentally murder another homeless man, they'll still recycle his can. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: nick swardson. >> i think instead of mace, they should just use yoga boob sweat.
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>> chris: points. points. it is now time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." there are so many movie reboots and sequels and shared universes these days, it's hard to keep them all straight. i say let's just do hollywood's job for them with tonight's #hashtagwar, #badmoviemashups combine two movies to make an even worse movie. examples might be straight outta casablanca, or kramer vs. kramer vs. predator. >> nightmare on elm street named desire. >> juwana mandela. >> my left footloose. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> chris: kyle. >> star wars episode five-- tokyo drift. >> chris: points. nikki glazer. >> about a boiler room. >> chris: yes, point. very good. nick swardson. >> the 10 commandments i hate about you. >> chris: points. kyle kinane. >> lethal weapon four, electric booingly. >> "dennis the menace" to society. >> chris: points. >> the fault in our star wars. >> chris: yes, point. >> chris: that's the end of #hashtagwars. send us your #badmoviemashups and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. with more "@midnight." our tweet of the day from last night's #hashtagwar was sent to us by @plotscored. well done!
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(hooves on gravel) i gotta ask, man. what's it like living without the internet? (snap) it's alright. i just get photos of your mom through the mail. snap into a slim jim! ♪ [ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? oh, here, check this out. ♪ [ meows ] temptations. cats can't resist. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." kyle kinane has a new glint in his eyes. i imagine his life will be divided into two sections, before lemon party, and after. don't google it. i'm not tempting you. kyle, what was your experience. >> "a," first off, let's see the points change now that i saw that? >> chris: all right, 100 point,
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kyle. i don't know where it's called "lemon apartment." that's so weird. is that the catch? >> chris: i think it's to trick people into thinking-- >> who are just randomly looking for a lemon party. man! i love the bittersweet zing of a lemon, and i love to get down and boogie sometimes. it was, like, just old dudes ( bleep ). it was actually those guys' audition tape for "cocoon." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's time to play "amazon book fair: self help for kids! edition." chelsea clinton's new book "it's your world" is out today and it's by far the best self-help book the clinton family has
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written. or hillary bidinnery and the case of the missing e-mails. self-help bookses is a huge industry, and i'm going to show you assorted titles and for 250 points i want you to give me a chapter from the book. first up, "mrs. gorski, i think i have the wiggle fidgets." >> chapter one, it's probably park know so's. >> chris: oh, good lord. oh, dear lord. kyle. >> chapter one, we call it wiggle fidgeyets because you can't pronounce fetal knohol syndrome. ( laughter ) >> chris: points. next one, "my big sister takes drugs."
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nick. >> adventures in crack baby-sitting. >> chris: points. nikki glazer. >> and she's never looked better. >> chris: points. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you can't argue with results, right? next up "when sophie gets angry, really, really angry." nick. >> chapter one, sophie, unfollow donald trump. >> chris: points. ( applause ) >> see the back of the book for fun stencil designs to carve into your arms. >> chris: points. last up, probably the best one, "my mom has hepatitis c. we're all just chilling out in this letter. nikki. >> chapter 3 eye feel like i shouldn't know about this. ( laughter ) >> chris: points.
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>> chapter one, what happened in vegas stayed in moment's vagina. >> chris: points. that is the end of "amazon book fair self-help kids' edition." it's time for "what's your sign, cancer." the paparazzi had a field day snapping photos of a visibly intoxicated nick nolte stumbling out of a night club. thanks to redditor zambah for that captivating photo of a crab smoking a cigarette. now this might look like a rare scene, but it's actually very common for a group of people to catch crabs on virtually any street in philadelphia. plaw( laughter ) ( applause )
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there's an entire tim blir dedicated to this called crabs with cigarettes. so robert wagner comes into my office, and i'm like, "bob, don't do the 'love boat'." it's career suicide. assuming you got to talk with this hard-living crab in a philly dive bar give me a line from his life story. we'll get your answers after the we'll get your answers after the break and be mack w why do i train? i train to get stronger. to climb higher. to go further. to have the strength to cross oceans, and realize my dreams on the other side.
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♪ bud light lime® in a brand new bottle. summer on. (hooves on gravel) i gotta ask, man. what's it like living without the internet? (snap) it's alright. i just get photos of your mom through the mail. snap into a slim jim!
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peter hit me in the nose with a football. marcia, what happened? now sweetheart...
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you the zodialogical sign for cancer getting cancer and i asked you guys to give me the life story of a chain-smoking philadelphia crab. let's see what you came up with. kyle kinane, let's start with you. >> me, i'm a blue crab, but some days are better than others, i guess. ( applause ). >> chris: nikki glazer. >> ( bleep ) you. i'm on vacation. get off my dick. >> chris: very well played. nick. >> yeah, i ( bleep ) a mermaid. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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1,000 for nick, 500 to kyle, and 250 to nikki. >> chris: it's time for "stuff only 90s kids remember." i remember the first time i saw ren and stismy on a sunday morning at 11 a.m. in 1991. it completely changed my life. and i know a lot of us feel a lot of the same way. rug rats, doug, rock of modern life. so great shows be. nickelodeon is launching a new programming bloc of 90s era cartoons called the "splat." the internet is positively splatting their pants about it. i wonder where nickelodeon got that idea. maybe it's from years of being bludgeoned with buzzfeedy headlines like awesome things only 90s kids will remember.
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things only those who are true 90s kids would understand. memes all 90s kids will totally relate to. and, of course, the classic 27 things all 90s latinas know to be true. for the love of god, how many times can you people post photos of tamagotchis and koosh balls and the rachel? i say this as the former host of 90s game show sensation singled out. ( bleep ). >> you look like a vampire magician. ( cheers and applause ) now you see tnow you don't. >> chris: i'm going to give you 100 points for recognizing my true nature. comedians, i want you to tell me as many things as you can that only 90s kids remember. in 60 seconds and begin. nikki. >> when you discover your clit when you're watching "home improvement," because you love-- ( laughter ) do you remember that? >> chris: i hope to god you did it like this... points.
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nick. >> yeah ( bleep ) mermaid. >> chris: all right, points, points. kyle. >> that time you delivered a peta at that bad apartment complex. and it was like a whole family but they still wanted you to get stoned with them, so you did. and then the 14-year-old broke a four-foot glass bong in the other room and was real pissed because he thought it was my fault. even though they just inveted me to smoke pot with them. i didn't ask for the bong. >> chris: points. everyone's got that story. nick. >> blockbuster videos late fees costing more than my car. >> chris: yeah, points. ( applause ) >> i'll return it later, man. >> chris: kyle. >> man, like, the neepts, like that time when you worked at a donut factory and you lost a band-aid on your hand working at the donut factory, and you're like, "i'm probably not going to
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have a job tomorrow." >> chris: i'll give you point, but i feel like you misunderstood and you thought you were supposed to just tell us things you did in the 90ss. >> i'm talking about what i remember from the 90s. >> chris: that's the end of "stuff only 90s kids remember." kyle kinane, i'm so sorry, but we now must bathe you in red light. there it iom that means it is time to inform everyone you just started a juice cleanse. it's "for the win." internettians, we have sat for years idly by while our facebook feeds were needlessly clogged with memes and dave matthew lyrics and ugly baby pictures with no way to passively aggressively make our distaste known. well, mark zuckerberg, creator of dreams, has heard our cries and today announced facebook is finally developing a "dislike"
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button. ( applause ) praisejesus. just like facebook posts about jesus. with this newfound power in mind, comedians i would like you to craft the worst, most egregious facebook post that is sure to get a thumbs down from your followers.
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how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. hey, wha okay, that it? that'll do it. excuse me. hey, man. huge fan, man. oh, thank you. all the touchdowns... and the wins... and the passes. yeah, you know, i don't like to dwell in the past. but thank you. [ cell phone ringtone ] aikman, touchdown! unbelievable! aikman, touchdown! unbelievable! aikman, touchdown! unbeliev- (ends abruptly) i dwell in the past. i would, too. i don't blame you. okay. as long as you are you, it's miller time. we've been compromised!. don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese.
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to midnight at 11:00. of it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe- >> you wiped it. >> chris: you always say that. >> wipe it. i will read your answers aloud and you guys will decide the winner. i told you facebook will be having a dislike button. and i asked you to craft the most dislikable facebook post.
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number two, number two, i assume. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23-and-a-half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be: heather anne campbell, jon daly, and maybe bernie sanders? who knows? until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #badmoviemashups and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @nerdist on the tweets and instagrams. larry wilmore is >> larry: tonightly fox news claims there's now a war on police. oh fox news, making a fake war since 2003. [laughter] we asked the question, what are the limits of religious liberty. kim davis answered, it's like a hair stylist, i honestly have no idea. [laughter] that's horrible, horrible thing

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